BeJay.org » Jokes

The New Husband Store

Bill — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 10:00:13 +0000

… A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
… You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
… So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,092 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Tampons

Bill — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 18:25:46 +0000

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons to buy for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. Confused, the clerk says, ‘Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?” He answers, “You see, it’s like this…yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers ’cause it’s sooo-ooo-oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ……….. so does she.

Jesus and the Democrat

Bill — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 13:19:06 +0000

A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and
asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the
restaurant and asked, ‘Is that Jesus sitting over there?’ The waitress
nodded ‘yes,’ so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of
coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He
shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress
for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, ‘Is
that Jesus over there?’ The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her
to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, ‘My treat.’

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on
crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, ‘Hey there, honey!
How’s about getting’ me a cold glass of Miller Light?’ He, too, looked
across the restaurant and asked, ‘Is that God’s boy over there?’ The
waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus
a cold glass of beer. ‘On my bill,’ he said.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and
said, ‘For your kindness, you are healed.’ The Republican felt the
strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the
door.

Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, ‘For your
kindness, you are healed.’ The Libertarian felt his back straightening
up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back
flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and
yelled, ‘Don’t touch me .. I’m collecting disability.’

obey

Bill — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 20:58:01 +0000

Super Bobby

Bill — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 23:50:03 +0000

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

Bill — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 20:29:02 +0000

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to ‘put your two cents in’… but it’s only a ‘penny for your thoughts’? Where’s that extra penny going to?
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they ’slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?

40 Things You’d love to Say Out loud at Work

Bill — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 17:00:01 +0000

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to publicly humiliate yourself.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7. I’m out of my mind at the moment, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don’t work here - I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I don’t understand a damn word you’re saying.
10. Ahhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision - I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of karma to burn.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny assed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a f..king people person to you?
25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. Oh, I get it. Like humor. Only different.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.
33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number 1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume, but must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is finally done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to kill.
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary
39. I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
40. Wait a minute - I’m just trying to imagine you with a personality

Intelligence

Bill — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 17:00:36 +0000

Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

A: Divorced.

Brains

Bill — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 17:00:10 +0000

Q: What do you call a woman with two brain cells?

A: Pregnant.

Pig

Bill — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 17:00:32 +0000

Q: What’s worse than a male chauvinistic pig?

A: A women who won’t do what she’s told.